Now, I want you to remember that no one wins a war. Everybody loses when some poor dumb bastard has to die for his country.
Men and women, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of war is true. We don’t like to fight, but we will when we are dragged kicking and screaming into it. But don’t worry, we’re not going to spend too much money, or stay at it very long.
When you were kids, just 8 years ago, there was too much macho talk of winning and victory. The new Americans are uncomfortable with that concept. I wouldn’t care a hoot for a man who defeated another and laughed (Unless it was me, defeating John McCain). That’s why America cannot be seen as having won a war ever again. Because the thought of humiliating an enemy is hateful to Americans of today, because they know it just causes others to hate us and creates more enemies.
Now, our military is a team and we will team up with our allies to make a better world. We will eat and sleep as a force for healing. This “killing people and breaking things” is a bunch of crap. The collection of slave owners and rich men who wrote that stuff about “enemies foreign and domestic” didn’t know anything about America’s modern mission to heal. The last 8 years of “going alone” are over. You will be supported by allies who know to ask questions and only shoot later if they are forced to.
Now, we have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit, and the best men and women in the world. Even though they tend to come from places where people cling to guns and religion. You know, I pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. So we’re not going to shoot them if we don’t have to. We’re going to leave their country and never profit from them. We’re going to show those misunderstood folks we mean them no harm.
Now, some of you boys and girls, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll chicken-out under fire. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will have the best possible treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, provided by only the finest Muslim psychiatrists. Intolerance is the real enemy. Resist it. Fight it. Do not tolerate it. And when you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend’s face, you’ll know that a grief counselor will put his or her arm on your shoulder as soon as possible. We know what to do.
Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not “holding anything.” Not for very long, anyway. It’s too expensive. We’re giving territory back. We are advancing to retreat constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything — even enemy combatants at Guantanamo. We’re going to hold onto them on US soil, and we’re gonna kiss him in the ass. We’re gonna coddle the hell out of him all the time, and he’s gonna go through his Miranda rights like crap through a goose!
Now, there’s one thing that you men and women will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank whatever God or higher power you may or may not believe in for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandchild on your knee, and they ask you, “What did you do in the great War on Terror?” — you’ll be able to say, “There is no such thing as a war against a tactic, but we prevented more man-caused disasters.”
Alright now, you sons and daughters, you know how I feel. And the world knows how we feel, that’s what’s most important.
Oh, and be comforted by the realization that I will be reluctant to send you wonderful guys and gals into battle anytime, anywhere.
That is all.
(Notes: Hat tip to my friend Doug Buck for the image above, and for some great suggestions on the text. If this makes you want to relive the real thing– or a reasonable facsimile thereof, click here. That is all.)