Guide for the Perplexed

Jew: The source of all decadence and evil in the world; descendent of apes and pigs.

Jihad: The inner spiritual struggle for self-purification or the bloody military struggle for world domination depending on to which journalist and in what language one is speaking.

Judeo-Christian Values: The credo of that civilization which has lost all its values, except for that racism is bad, and diversity is good.

Koran: The book that was revealed word-for-word to the Prophet Muhammed (Peace Be Upon Him) by the Angel Gabriel…or not.

Leftist: Supporter of PLO (see “PLO” below) and Hamas (see “Hamas” above) and Muslem Brotherhood (see “Muslem Brotherhood” below).

Mahdi: The Shia Messiah who has been hiding for centuries at the bottom of a well.

Martyr: Someone who kills someone else while killing himself, said to be rewarded for his martyrdom by the acquisition of 72 virgins upon his arrival in Paradise, at least according to what the Prophet  Muhammed (Peace Be Upon Him) said the Angel Gabriel told him (see “Koran” above).

Militant, Assailant, Gunman, Activist: terrorist.

Moderate Palestinian Leader: Former KGB operative, Holocaust denier, and financier of Munich Olympic massacre.

Mosque: A place for the storage of armaments.

Muslem Brotherhood: A mostly secular and non-violent political party in Egypt.

Occupation: Jewish presence in disputed territory. (See “Israel” above.)

Peace: War of attrition.

Peace Process: The dismantling of Israel.

Peace Talks: The avoidance of peace.

PLO: Organization created in 1964 to end the 1967 occupation.

Palestinian Authority: The world’s most successful kleptocracy.

Palestinian Hero: Murderer of children.

Palestinian Prime Minister: Moderate, bold (see “Arab Prime Minister” above).

Protocols of the Elders of Zion: The authentic Jewish playbook for world domination.

Racist: A person who disagrees with or does not like or does not support the reelection of President Obama.

Radical Islamic Movement: A group whose stated official goal is genocide (see “Hamas” and “Hezbollah” above).

Recognition: A truce until the next time.

Refugee: Someone who has refused to take refuge, or who has not been allowed to take refuge.

“Religion of Peace”: That civilization with which the Judeo-Christian civilization is locked in a war to the death.

Resistance: Randomly killing civilians, especially children.

Rewriting History: See “History” above.

Right: Demand to live in Israel by people who hate it and wish to destroy it.

of Return: By people very, very few of whom have ever actually been there.

Settlement: An illegal community made up of settlers. (See “Settler” below.)

Settler: Someone who builds his house in order to thwart any chance at making peace between Jews and Palestinians.

Shariah: The Islamic system of jurisprudence which codifies and dignifies rape, child marriage, specific classes of murder such as honor killings (see “Honor Killings” above), etc.

Shia: People who are certain that Sunnis are not real Muslems, and are in fact infidels, and should therefore be slaughtered.

Sunni: People who are certain that Shia are not real Muslems, and are in fact infidels, and should therefore be slaughtered.

War Crime: Retaliation and defense. Any action whose intent is victory.

War on Terror: Pretense that the enemy of the West is made up of small, shadowy groups motivated by childhood poverty (see “Al Qaeda” above). (“We’re depraved on account of we’re deprived” — apologies to S. Sondheim.)

Zionism: The ideology of the Jews who aspire to control, dominate and take over the world.

Zionist: Someone who is worse than a Nazi.

Zionist Entity: That place that does not exist, as on Arab maps, but that must be destroyed.

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