Telegraph Avenue will be renamed “Wall Street West” and Shattuck Avenue will be renamed “Milton Friedman Boulevard.” The area within 4 miles of the University of California (CAL) campus will be declared a tie-dye-free zone, where no tie dyed clothing may be worn. Discounts to the BART and other forms of public transit will be offered to Berkeley residents wearing ties and jackets. All the “head shops” selling drug paraphernalia along Telegraph Avenue will be converted into barber shops and Bible stores. When not using public transit, travel in SUVs will be not only permitted but made mandatory.
Special retreats will be held for Berkeley residents still believing in communism. There they will be housed in Gulag barracks, woken up at 5 AM, and ordered to do physical labor without getting paid. Berkeley socialists can also be sent to the retreats, but they will only be woken up to work at 5:30 AM. Non-competitive sports will be prohibited during leisure time, only competitive sports allowed. Afternoon breaks at the camp will be devoted to generating greenhouse gases. On Saturday nights, “Dirty Harry” movies will be screened. Attendance will be mandatory. Vegan foods will be absolutely prohibited there.
Berkeley is of course only the beginning. After Berkeley is occupied by masses of marching conservatives, it will be the turn of Madison, WI; Amherst, MA; and of course San Francisco. Any city or state approving of medical marijuana will be targeted next. Cities undergoing occupation by OB will see reverse affirmative action implemented, whereby anyone who was harmed in the past by affirmative action programs will be entitled to preferences, compensation, and reparations.
Occupy Berkeley is growing, town by town, block by block, taser by taser. We are drawing bipartisan support from people sick and tired of the selfish indulgence of leftwing radicals and hippies. Unlike OWS, the only genders we represent are men and women. And we are accepting donations because we believe in materialism and selfishness.
We chant: “The world is watching!”; “This is how democracy looks!”; “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for!”; and “It is never too late for a spanking!”
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