For weeks now the Iranian Space Monkey has been the hottest topic of debate in all the world’s capitals. Did the monkey really go to space? Did it come back? Is it Ahmadinejad’s love child? Is this the beginning of a monkey martyr program?
An Iranian blogger snuck into the zoo at midnight to get an exclusive interview with the greatest monkey in all of Islam after the one running Iran.
The Iranian Space Agency’s January 28, 2013 announcement that Iran had successfully launched a monkey into space – which has not been verified – sparked numerous reactions in Iran and internationally, most recently from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He expressed a desire to be the first Iranian astronaut, saying, “I am willing to be launched into space as the first Iranian to sacrifice his life for the Iranian scientists.
Aftab the monkey: I was sent into space from a street named The Glory of Islam, at a cost of three billion toman, bringing the blessing of peace to all space aficionados and to Iran, the breeder of martyrs, and also to the leader of the astronauts, the supporters of the space [program of] in the Islamic Republic of Iran, and also to all the monkeys who were martyred on the path to the conquest of the heights of space.
“What made you decide to become an astronaut?
“Aftab the monkey: Truly, we [monkeys] are mistaken in thinking that we want to, or like to, become astronauts and go into space. What does a monkey have to do with space? We belong in the treetops! But after being kidnapped by the sinful soldier brothers of the Imam Zaman [usually referring to the Mahdi; here it is apparently mocking Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei], I was transferred to Evin [Prison], where I spent six months in solitary confinement. After that [came] interrogation by the confession brothers, under the guidance of brother Hossein the interrogator, and I resisted. Ultimately, they brought in a large bear who called me a rabbit. I broke; I volunteered to become an Islamic astronaut in order to destroy the plundering Israel and the imperialist America. I only insisted that they present me as an astronaut who is a member of the Basij. They refused, and I don’t know why.
“Tell us a bit about your training…
“Aftab the monkey: After reciting the morning prayer and the verses, and after the fear, I went to a special room with a very high ceiling. After reciting the prayer of Ja’far Al-Tayyar [a hero from early Islam], I put my legs together in a special place and, with an ‘Allah Akhbar,’ waved my legs in the air. At first, I couldn’t gain [even] a meter [in altitude], but with reminders from the cable and the whip, [wielded by] one of the brothers… I managed to break the record, [attaining] 15 meters and 37 centimeters, with the miraculous aid and prayers of the best of the marjaya and the senior ayatollahs.
“Of course, I fasted every day, and the fast was one of the most difficult and important parts of my training – because in space you can’t purify yourself. If, God forbid, overeating causes secretion of filth [i.e. excretion], the entire project will be unclean. Everyone needs to purify themselves in water, according to the Islamic law for the month of Ramadan and every fast day, so that our activity will be pure and untainted, and acceptable to God…
“And our final question: What do you plan to do next?
“Aftab the monkey: I have many plans, the most important of which is sending live Muslims into space, and from there to Paradise, and after that to find a planet with all the [necessary] conditions for holding public prayers.
“Thank you. Is there anything you want to tell our readers?
“Aftab the monkey: My words to young people are to keep these slogans at the forefront of their revolutionary lives: ‘The road to Jerusalem leads through Mars’; ‘War, war, until the sun in space is conquered’; ‘Uranus, Uranus, we are coming’; ‘Rocket, rocket to victory’; ‘God, God, protect [Ayatollah] Jannati to the next galaxy’…
The Space Jihad begins.